Episode 1- Anything You Want

I once read an interview with Barry Watson where he admitted that he thought 7th Heaven would never last and that he agreed to act in the pilot episode for a quick pay check.  After watching the first episode, I have to agree with him in being shocked by how long this show lasted. The first episode is, well it is not "7th Heaven The Musical" awful (Remember that episode? I try to block it out of my mind daily.), but it is still pretty awful. Now, as to why all the other cast members agreed to sign on for this show, I have no idea. I believe Catherine Hicks and 25 Year Old Arrogance thought it was a great, wholesome, family show that needed to be on the air. Whether or not they actually believed that, or said that to kiss up to Brenda Hampton, I do not know. But what I do know is that I needed quite a few glasses of wine to get me through the first episode. It is almost as if the writers wanted the audience to know the exact high amount of cheese and diabetes inducing sugary love this show could produce. They definitely went overboard. 

The episode begins with Annie and Eric in bed together, looking like they are about ready to "get it on", when Ruthie so innocently (and inconveniently for Annie and Eric) walking into the room. This followed by Simon walking in, and then Lucy, and then Mary. Seriously, what dumbass kids above the age of 7 walk into their parents bed room on a Saturday all non-chalet  wanting to know what's going on? "Your father and I just got up. We were asleep for 7 hours, just like all of you were until you had to come in here and interrupt the conception of our 6th kid.", is what I want Annie to say so badly. But, of course she does not because that would have been amusing.

Watch Anything You Want On Amazon Prime Then comes in the oldest sister... oh wait, no that's actually Matt. Sorry, I'm already drunk. Anyway, he reminds the kids that it is Saturday, the day that Mom and Dad "sleep in". Everybody leaves and the theme starts. After the theme, we see that Eric is opening a bottle of wine for him and Annie to enjoy. They then go into the dining room and place the remaining food on the table for the family to eat. Simon is begging to say grace and Eric lets him. In a not at all desperate plea, Simon says that if there is a God, he will find a way to get him a dog. (Gee, I wonder what is going to happen this episode?!). As we all know, there is nothing more scary than a pastor's kid losing his faith in God, so this alarms Eric and Annie.

 Mary is denied a date with a senior because she is a woman and may have sex and lose her virginity and get pregnant and then become a single mom, then a hooker and then die. Well, they did not go into that much detail, but you can tell that is what they were hinting at. Lucy then has her first of about 38589275819275192798437189471 temper tantrums on this show and freaks out when Eric says she has been looking more grown up. Dinner is now over and Annie is working on fixing the disposal in the kitchen. This leads to a make out session that Simon this time interrupts. He gently reminds his parents that a dog is much less of a hassle than a dog. Eric goes to talk to Lucy about puberty and Annie gets a phone call from her mother. We then move to Lucy's room where we see her horribly misguided efforts to stop her period from coming. She is upside down, standing on her head, and is showing that the sex education that her parents and school gave her have failed in an epic matter. Eric comes in the room and Lucy runs away and hides in the bathroom. Following her, Eric assures her that there is nothing to be embarrassed about and asks whether she has gotten her period yet in typical dumbass Dad fashion. Suffice to say, this does not help and Lucy freaks out more. Annie and Simon are now talking about getting a dog and Annie insists on no dog.

We quickly transition to Matt and Mary playing basketball with Matt smoking a cigarette. For those that did not follow the show, there was always a rebellious Camden kid. Mary fit that role for most of the series, but Matt fit the role for about three episodes. Hence the smoking, because everyone knows that smoking cigarettes leads to felony. Matt and Mary's conversation quickly turns EXTREMEMLY awkward when she admits that she wants to kiss a guy so she can stop thinking about it. I pour an extra full glass of wine to prepare myself for how awkward that conversation is going to get later. I won't spoil it for those of you that haven't seen it yet... We go back to Simon begging about his stupid dog and his parents still saying no. Annie informs Eric that her parents will be coming over tomorrow. Simon then starts begging God for a dog. Eric goes outside to take out the trash and we return to Matt and Mary's conversation about kissing. Mary is now practically begging to kiss her brother HER BROTHER so she can practice kissing. They realize their dad is overhearing them and they become embarrassed. And I drink about half a bottle of wine to try and forget that I saw this. After that awkwardness, we return to Annie and Lucy talking about her period. Annie tries to reassure Lucy that she will get her period eventually and that she is normal. Well, at least physically normal, mentally normal is a completely different story.
If you haven't watched the show, you'll figure out how insane Lucy is later.
 There is a lot of crazy right there.

 Eric and Matt are now dining out and Eric confronts Matt about his smoking. He informs Matt that he must get a job if he wants to afford his habit. Now we go to the next day at Church, Matt (the horrible child for the moment) comes in late. Eric starts by quoting a Bible verse saying, "For everything, there is a season..." which is a problem because Annie gave Lucy the same speech earlier. Now she feels like her dad is going to tell the entire church about her lack of a period. So she runs away and starts crying like a lunatic. Annie quickly runs after her, while I take another drink.

After the disaster at church, Eric is freaking out and wants to talk to Lucy about, "The normal, wonderful process of becoming a woman." Annie reminds Eric that becoming a woman is not that wonderful, it is also very awkward and embarrassing. I don't know about Camden world, but I feel much more awkward watching this episode than I ever did when I "became a woman". Mary forces Lucy to go out a jog with her and gives her a tampon. During Mary and Lucy's run, Mary runs into a cute boy. Lucy's tampon falls out and everything gets all awkward for no reason. Mary grabs the tampon and acts all cool. Lucy runs away like a crazy person, again. We go back to the house where Matt is informed that his job is to take care of Mrs. Binks, one of Eric's favorite church goers. (I'll just let you know what happens, she is a chain smoker that is on oxygen. Eric wants Matt to take care of her because he wants him to see what smoking will eventually do with him. The end.)

While Matt goes out to work, he runs into the cute boy Mary ran into. We learn that he is Matt's age and Matt goes all crazy when he learns Mary has plans to meet with him. Mary gets all defensive and forbids Matt from invading her personal life. When she goes inside, Eric informs her that she is now allowed to date older men because she has been responsible. She then goes Lucy style crazy and accuses Matt of telling him about her personal life. Did you know that women are psycho crazy emotional before watching this episode? Well, now you do. Thanks 7th Heaven!

Eric goes upstairs and Lucy comes out of the bathroom and asks for tampons. Yay, Lucy is now "normal". What a relief. I was on the edge of my seat... Annie comes home from the pond with Happy and long story short Simon FINALLY gets his dog so he can shut up. Eric and Annie talk in the kitchen and Eric berates Annie for making a decision without him, because, y'know, women doing that is a big no no. The cute guy, whose name is actually Jeff, comes over to play basketball with Mary. Matt freaks out like a dick. Ruthie and Simon are talking with Happy where we learn the dog is an absolute genius. He already knows how to: bark, sit and roll over and he has only been training for 5 seconds. How wonderful...ly cheesy.

Eric and Annie are disagreeing about the kids and they hint at all the sex they have AGAIN. Gross.

During the final few minutes of this "wonderful" episode, we meet Annie's parents. Everyone is having dinner and Annie senses that something is wrong. The children leave and it is just Annie, Eric and Annie's parents. Annie's mom informs them that she recently went for her check up and that she has terminal cancer and is going to die. What an uplifting ending, right? Don't worry, we see the most cringe inducing cheesy ending of all time when all the Camden kids get on the grass outside and play with Happy. You guys need to see the cheese for yourselves because there is no way I can describe how weird the whole scene is. After watching the first episode, I have to admit that I am with Barry Watson on this. How did this show last 11 seasons again? Check back for the next two episodes in the Grandma dies saga where it only gets worse.